todae will b a veri long entry i guess...
i guess u better go to the top rite hand corner to close it first.. i guess it will bored u to death manx...
p/s:those in bold are pasted from my past entries...

rite now i not at home.. coz i dun feel like going home..
i noe once i at home..
i will sure tear de..
at least now.. i will try to control myself..
alot of things came into my mind..
y am i de person rite now..
juz read some of my prevous entry..
written 177 entries since last yr..
1 yr le.. 177 entries..

my veri first entry..
i start this blog bcoz of him..
bcoz i wan to write my sadness dwn..
8/07/2004
mY firSt bLog.. mY wOrSt dAy..
Y???
jUz bcOz Of SoMetHinG kaReN tOLd mE JuZ nOw wHiLe We gO mAkAn At De bUkIT timaH hAwkEr cEntEr... ShE sAe...
"He stiLL LoVe mE..."
bUt..
issIt De tRutH...??
rEaLLy fEeL Like cRying sia.. Wen KarEn tOLd mE wAt He sAe dE oTheR dAe tO qinGLai aNd GaNgs afTeR i LeaVe...

KaReN sAe i LoOk haPpy..
bUt aM i??
oR isSt JuZ aN acT to sHow oTheR PeoPLe tAt i cAn get oN wif my LiFe wIthOut hIm??

stiLL hAf FeELnG fOR hm.. I stiLL dO...
I tOt I cAn fOrgEt Abt hm.. BuT Im wRoNg.. tErRiBLy wRoNg...
tOt i LeT gO Le.. mAny Of My fReNz tOt sO toO.. hAIz.. bUt dEeP dWn in mY heArt.. hE aLwAys thErE.. BuriEd dEepLy...

jUz DuN uNdErStAnd.... jUz tHoUgHt tHaT hE dUn LikE mE aNymOrE.. n bcOz i wAn hm to b HaPpi... I LeT gO OfF hm... N NoW heArd wAt He tOld tO oTheR pEoPle.. tAt hE cAnt Let gO?

y??
dE mEmoRieS hAf wif Him kEeP fLasHing in mY heAd... eVeRyThing... FrOm tHe dAy we gEt toGetheR aT wEst cOasT pArK oN 20th December 2003 to dE dAy wE bRoKe oFf oN de pHoNe on 7 May 2004.. nEaRLy 3mThs SincE wE brOkE oFf lE.. bUt y JusT cAnt fOrgEt u??

is LkE bCoz oF u.. i aLrEAdI foRgotteN hOw tO crY Le.. nOtHinG eLsE wiLL fEeL wOrSt dEn bReAKinG uP wif u.. nOtHinG aT aLL...

u nOe How i fEeL...??
Is lIke..
I saW u.. bUt cAnt tOucH u.
I sAw U.. BuT dUn dAre tO tOk to U...
I sAw u.. bUt dUn dAre tO LoOk aT u...

eVeN tHougH..
i wAn eVerY sEc, eVerY mn, eVeRy hR, eVerY dAy to See u, tOk tO u, toUch u...

bUt I sImPLy cAnt..
cOz...
u R nO LoNgEr mIne..
aNd u LoOk hApPy witH uR nEw fOuNd LifE...
WaT cAn i dO??
bUt gif U mY bLeSsinG...
cOz..
u r HaPpY witHoUt mE..

ItS mY fAuLt..
taT LoST u...
Its mY fAuLt...
tat U r nO LonGeR mIne...
Its mT fAuLt..
aNd I reaLLi sOrRy...

sOrRi zIzhOng..
I hOpe dA bEsT oF u..
aNd I noE u cAN suCceEd n eVeRtHIng U dO..
I wiLL aLwAys ThErE fOr u...
nO mAtTeR wAt..
im rEaLLi sOrRi fOr wAt hAd hApPeNeD In oUr rEaLaTionShip...
u haVe givEn dE beSt mEmoRies I eVer hAd in mY Life...
tHanX foR EntEring oNcE in mY LifE..
n hoPe u cAn finD sOmEonE wHo is mUch mOrE betA tHaN this LousY mE...

reading this suddenly bring tears into my eyes..
i tot i cant love anymore..
from de way he hurt me..
even though we broke up..
but den he still hurt me after we broke up from his actions...

tHinKing oF hIm.. tHinking Its tIMe to Let go.. eVerYoNe wHo KnoWs hOw i FEeL aBt hIm.. sAes iTs tIMe to Let Go.. 3 mths sIncE wE bRokEn Up.. 3 Mths lE.. tIme rEaLLi FLieS.. SeEms LiKE iTs Juz YeSteRdAE Tat We r on dA pHonE TokIng.. AsSuRiNg eAcH oTHer TaT bReaKing Up iS dA bEst sOLuTioN toWaRds oUr mIseRy...

i ToT wE cAn sTiLL b fRenZ.. i rEaLLi tOt sO.. But its sEeM LiKe iT wONt b taT cAse..
dE wAy u trEat me aFtEr wE bRoKE uP sTiLL fResH in mY mINd...

EnrOlMent
On fRidAe ba.. I sTiLL cAN rEmeMbEr.. bEri sIcK.. HIgH fEvEr.. bUt dA sTuBBorN mE sTiLL go fOr dA EnRolMent.. Juz tO hElp oUt.. hOpiNg tO sEe u.. bUt i dIdNt..
u GiF me a cALL.. **cOz CinDy cALL u To tELL u Tat iM sIck** tO aSK mE tAke cArE of mYseLf.. fULLsToP.

At nIte.. i dUn noE y.. bUt weN i wOke uP.. dA fIrSt pErsOn i tHinK is U.. dA stUpid mE.. tOoK my pHonE n gIf u a cALL.. jUz wAna hEar uR voIce oN de otHer sIde of dE lIne... buT u r enJoyIng uRseLf iN a ktV.. n Da sTuPid mE.. asK u WheThEr u Gt mIss Me.. n ur rEplY.. iS LikE a kNifE sTaBbed dEePLy In mY heArt.. "nO.. i GueSs nOt.. im bEiNg enJoyINg mYseLf foR dA wHoLe wEek... i Nv haF sO mUcH fUN fOr A LonG tIme.. i cAuGhT uP wIf mY fReNz... i gUesS.. I dUN even Haf TimE tO tHinK of u...."

GP PrEp cAmP
dA sTuPid mE sEe u AgAin.. How i wIsh u r sTiLL mIne.. bUt.. **hAiz**
tHis sTuPid mE aGaIn dId a sTupId tHing bY asKing u to tOk tO me.. beRi tOoPid rIte..
i noE i wILL b HuRt agAin bY wAt u saE.. bUT.. i sTiLl wAnA ToK to u .. dAmn stUpid sIa.. aNd Im rItE.. u hUrT me AgAin..

Fo cAmp
u r dA cHieF cOoK.. Im Juz A nOrMal gP.. HaVe tO sEe u fOr So mANy dAys.. noE hOw i fEeL.. u r ThErE.. bUt i dun DaRe tO fAcE u.. i ReALLi tHink taT im StUpid sIa.. LoOk at U.. bUt QuIckLy LoOK aWaY weN u LoOk bAcK At Me..
LAsT daE Of cAmP.. Ur dAughTer KeEp LeaNing On u.. LiE On u.. itS LikE mY heart bReaK iNto mAny mILliOnS oF sMaLL pArts.. bUt dId U nOE tAt? nO.. cOz i pUt uP a sTrOng faCe tAt sHow taT i dUn GiF A dAmN...
i gEt baCk LaTEr at nIte.. hOw?? u wALked oVer tO dA gRp iM tOKing to.. n u sAw Jie yOng lyIng oN me.. iS nOt tAt i WaN hIm tO lIe oN mY sHoUldEr.. But hE Juz dO it WitHout mY coNsent.. anD of cOZ i rEaLLi fEeL sIck abT iT.. bUt u sAW wAt he DId.. n qUiCkLy LoOk aWaY.. i FEeL daMn HaPpI.. cOZ.. u GeT tO nOE How I feEL LikE in dA mOrnINg...

ChaLet
on sAt.. We wErE pLaYing cArdS.. U asK me tO paSs dA cArds tO u.. N i PasS iT tO u LIke HOw i PaSs It tO aNyONe wHo asK me tO Do TaT.. bUt u RePly bY saYinG.. "sEeMs LiKe sHe haTe Me ALoT".. *mY heArt hUrtS aGaIn* bUt i TrEAt iT aS nOtHinG haS hApPeneD b4.. LaTeR.. i tOk tO u.. bUt u iGnore mE... u nOe how i fEeL?? i GoNe BaLisTiC.. N tOOk a BIkE.. N cYcLe LiKE crAzY.. at a fAst SpeEd aLonE.. jUz hOpe TaT i KanA acCiDent oR wAtEvEr.. sO tAT mY heaRT woNt hUrt TaT mUch AnyMOre.. wHiLE cYcLinG.. dE tEars Jux cOme oUt oF my eYes.... Y ?? y am i so StuPId.. LaTer.. eVeryOne sEnsE tAt mY mOoD cHange aLot.. i LoOk dAmn sIan.. anYonE tOk tO mE.. i AsO dUn fEeL LiKE rePlyIng.. mOoD cHanGe jUz bCoz oF u.. cOZ i KeEp ThInkINg.. y I sO sTuPid.. Y u WAn tO tReaT mE thIS wAy?? sUpPOsELy i cAn sTay tILL 6 PluS dEn i LeAve dA cHaLeT.. bUt dEn.. i cAnt sTand iT anyMorE.. i cAnt sTand BeEn tHeRe.. cOz u r tHeRe... dA mOmEnT i LoOk aT u.. mY heArt hurTs.. sO wAt fOR sTaY tHeRe wEn u hAte mE taT mUch.. u WiLl fEeL mUch betA iF i NOt tHeRe rItE.. so i lEaVe.. fOrcINg mYseLF tO sMiLe ANd sAe bYe to da rEst of Da pEoPLe.. fOrcINg mYsELf nOt tO cRy..

7tH aUgUsT... 3MtHs Le.. sIncE wE bRokE on 7tH mAy.. i bErI sI bAi.. i berI sTuPid.. y i sTiLL kEeP oN pInNinG oN u.. wEn i gT oThEr cHoIcEs... sO So sO sTupId~~~


i guess i abit dumb sia..
juz by readin the entries make me wanna cry sia..
dumb me dumb me...
idiot me idiot me..


for de nx 7-10 mths after breaking up wif him is my toughest time..
having idiot guys everywhere disturbing me..(sorry to all my guy frenz)..
it make me "hate" him even more by leaving me..
coz i feeling so fragile..
i HaTe u ZiZhOng... i ReaLLi dO..
*hAha*
i nOE itS beRi UnreAsONaBle of ME to HAte u..
bUt...
i sTiLL haTe u..

y Do u Haf tO lEaVe mE...
y DO u haF tO gO nS...
y Do u HAf tO leAVe mE wIf a BrokeN hEaRT...
y R u nOt tHeRe foR mE wEn i NeeD u NOw..
y do u HAf tO lEaVe mE aLone fAcINg oF thOse toOpId sTufFs i haF now..
y dO u HAf tO gO...
y dO u haF to LeAvE me bHinD...
y do u HAf tO go oN wIF ur lIfE wIfoUt mE..
y dO u bEar to lEaVE mE miSsing u...
y dO u Haf tO bREaK uP wIf mE...
y dO u hAf tO mAKe mE hAtE u...
y r U noT heRe Now...
y R u ALwAys sTAy in mY hEaRT..
y dO u wAN to leAve me To fAce sO mUCh cHaLLeNgeS In LifE now...
y dO u hAf tHe aBiLiTy tO taKe mY hEarT aWAy...
y dONt u Juz ReTUrN me mY heARt iNSTEad...
y dO u hAf tO aPPeAr iN mY LifE...
y dO u hAf to dIsApPeAr...
y dO u HAf tO leaVe mE aLone...
y dO u hAf to gIf mE 4mThs Of hApPineSs b4 u Go..
y Do u hAf To maKe mY LifE sO mIsErABle nOW...
y do u MaKE mE mISs u sO mUch...

y DO u maKE mE LovE u sO mUCh.....??


stupid things happen to me.. n tats guys..
up to this period of time..
i hate guys to de max..
y le??


bUt y i aLwAys gT gUYs bOtHeRINg mE...
*hAiZ*
Let mE cOPy n pAsTe sOme oF dE msG hE sEnd ME ba...
sO sICkeNIng sIA..

"cAn cHAt wIf u tOniTe anOt? sTiLL nOt yEt HaD a cHancE to taLk to U"
"i HopE to NOe u bEta"
"wAn to tRy tOkINg wIf mE... wAn to gO caTch a mOviE b4 i go Ns"
"cAn u maKE aN eXcEptIon bY chAtTiNg wIf mE"
"wEn wIlL u bE fReE... weeKdAy oR wEeKeNd? u gOt aNY mOvIE iN mINd u wAn to WaTch?"
"tHen nx tImE wE chAt OnLinE Lo.. wen u onLiNe u teLL mE.. i GO fINd u... dEn nX tiME iF u wAn tO tOK on dE phoNE u teLL me aSo ok... u tHiNk u cAn waTch mOvIe wIf ME b4 i gO nS?"
"i wAn to MakE moRe fRenz sO taT i cAn fINd dE rIte gEr fOr mE"

n tIs dE wOrsT mSg...
sTuPId gUY!!!
**iDiOt**
"One MOrE tHinG.. tHe hARdEr tO gEt a Ger maKe iT mOrE cHaLLengIng. I LikE tO chaLLenGe... ;)"

idiOt La...
u tOt u dAmn yaNdAO isSIt...
chaLLenGe... wat??
wAT dE...
u tOt i oBsTaCLeS aR...
wAnA chaLLenGe mE...
*hAIz*

******IDIOT******


hmmmx..
not bad ar.. still gt ppl treat me as challenge...
n of coz got other guys la..

still continuing on y i hate guys...
and after tat... is my depression time..
y do i say so??
this period of time.. actually make me think of juz ending my life..
juz end everything..
im nth but juz a peice of shit..
wash my face everyday with tears..
y??
i trust someone..
but in the end..
wat i get in return??
-his main motive is to get me in bed..
-blocked me from going home..
-tell me things abt sex..
-ask me go die..
-but haf sex wif him first b4 i die..coz he say is too wasted if i die as a virgin..
-wan to burn my house dwn coz i refuse to haf sex wif him..
-cant keep his hand to himself..
-purposely wait for me to come back from schl..
-he sae he can satisfied me bcoz of his "long and thick" *ahem**ahem*
yesh..
tats wat he do to me..
although i did tell my frenz abt wat happen.. but i nv tell de whole story.. theres more to it.. of coz..
i feel so worthless back den..
feel so dirty so cheap..
y me??
n i confide wif one of my close frenz..
n so i tot hes one of my close frenz..
until one nice day..
he msg me by asking me whether we can pamper each other wif no string attach..
in short..
we can b sex partner...
but wif no string attach..
is like wat de hell...
i can remmeber every single details very clearly..
like it juz happen yesterdae..

as i told alot of ppl..
there are many things tat i encounter tat not alot of ppl will encounter..
i pulled myself up..
trying to deceive ppl tat im strong..
but in fact im not..
theres many time.. i realli wan to break dwn..
but i keep telling myself tat i will not show anyone..
expecially guys..
i wan to prove tat i can do everything wifout de help of guys..
i dun trust guys anymore..
i juz realli scare tat i get hurt again..
emotionally..
*eyes wet wet le*
yes..
i can get into a relationship..
anytime i wan..
but yet..
i keep telling myself to get away from one..
i got guys treating me beri good..
i got guys who till now keep waiting for me..
i got guys who can do anything for me..
but..
i dun wan..
bcoz i dun trust guys le..
i happi being alone..
being single..
n avaliable..

up till i meet alex..
i tot i can commit..
i tot..
but from there..
i realise..
i juz using him.. sorry alex to replace zizhong..
yesh.. after so long.. 8 mths after breaking up wif him..
i still think abt him..
tats dumb of me..

5/26/2005
sooo long nv realli listen to this song an jing
but wen i listen to this song todae..
it nearli bring tears to my eyes..


An Jing

Zhi sheng xia gang qin pei wo tan le yi tian
Shui jiao de da ti qin
An Jing de jiu jiu de
Wo xiang ni yi biao xian de fei chang ming bai
Wo dong wo ye zhi dao
Ni mei you she bu de
Ni shuo ni ye hui nan guo wo bu xiang xin
Qian zhe ni pei zhe wo ye zhi shi cheng jin
Xi wang ta shi zhen de bi wo hai yao ai ni
Wo cai hui bi zi ji li kai

Ni yao wo shuo duo nan kan
Wo gen ben bu xiang fen kai
Wei she me hai yao wo yong wei xiao lai dai guo
Wo mei you zhe zhong tian fen
bao rong ni ye jie shou ta
Bu yao dan xin de tai duo
Wo hui yi zhi hao hao guo

Ni yi jin yuan yuan li kai
Wo ye hui man man zou kai
Wei she me wo lian fen kai dou qian jiu zhe ni
Wo zhen de mei you tian fen
An jing de mei zhe me kuai
Wo hui xue zhe fang qi ni
Shi ying wei wo tai ai ni



n the last 2 lines is the lines where it shall always remind in my heart..
wo hui xue zhe fang qi ni shi ying wei wo tai ai ni..
this 2 sentences is a something tat i always told myself 1 yr ago..
forcing myself to believe in this sentence..
listen to this song in the bus juz now..
n many memories flash back into my mind..
from the start till the end.. every single part... every single details i remember it clearly..
thou it not like last time..
thou 1 yr has past..
de my mind can juz flash back to me like its juz happen yesterdae...


after alex..
i learned many things..
1. i no longer like zizhong anymore..
2. i ready to commit..
3. t ready to find someone i like even though i everyytime sae dun wan bf.. but in fact i am looking out for de someone..
4. my trust in guys still not beri good.. but den i try to look at the brighter side...
5. i learn to keep my temper..(i tried)
6. de more u expect, the harder u fall...

determination is high..
wat determination le??
determination for not having a bf.. till de end of my fyp..
my determination of not meeting guy alone..
my determination of not makaning wif guys..
everything abt guys is put on hold.. so tat i can concentrate on my fyp..on my studies..
my determination is so high tat.. not a single guy with me b4 even though they keep asking me.. as in official date la..

tat is b4 he gets into de picture..
by rite.. he aso wont get a chance in meeting me de..
but by left.. im juz kidding wif him to ask him meet me.. n he realli did..
yesh.. im surprised..
from my secret blog..

todae is a bei nice day.. even though i walked alone like some idiot roaming arnd crowded area like suntec, bugis coz i kana duan by jr, ky and tatsheng...
but den..
hehe..
sweet..


de feeling in the heart is kind of sweet..
juz 6-8.. 2 hrs together..
hes sooo cute..
wif de dimples..
aaaww.. so cute..
talk talk..
den feel so shu fu..
like so comfortable..

sigh!!
sweet sigh!!



yeah.. weird.. even me gif myself a shocked manx..
how can i fall for him manx..
but..
de truth is i fall..


shld i feel happi shld i feel sad??
i haf no idea..
my whole day..
is full of sweetness...
de feelings is like i fall in love..
de sweetness aura surrounding me..
de feeling is so powerfull..
i miss him..
yes..
sad to sae.
i miss him..
de feeling i had..
is so nice, sweet..
its juz feel juz rite..


but things..
juz go different went we tok on msn..
things..
r soo weird..
i dunoe..
kind of hurt...

coz mummy alreadi sae most pro he like me..
but den
i guess..
hes not..
so..
i gave up myself ba..
hes popular wif gers..
how can he like a ger like me nehx..
better dun gif myself any hope manx..
haix..

tats me.. low self confidence..
i dun think there will be any guy who will like me manx..
funi.. but true..


wen i finally agreed to step into this relationship..
im more than ready to commit..
expecting soo much from this relationship..
more than u expect..
mayb from de way i tok pissed u off.. coz i juz afraid to lose u..
but yet im scared tat i will get hurt again..
i noe u r kidding abt some stuffs but wen u keep toking abt it..sometime i realli tot tat its de truth..
ya.. guess.. i realli expecting too much from u..
i realli sorry for being so paranoid..
n one more thing if u wan to noe.. which i didnt sae..
joyce sae this is the first time tat she sees me soo excited over a guy..
i dunoe..
guess.. mayb i juz not good enough for u ba..
sorry..

jia liat.. feeling so emotional rite now..
cannot cry cannot cry..

caught a crazy girl on 11:12 PM.